The Transcendental Star of the Cavs. What does a shot jacker and a religious movement from the 1800’s have in common?
Image by Travis Johnson
Summary: This European phenom really comes out at night. His high flying skills have made him very feared in his home of Transylvania. And his physical rivalry against Van Helsing has made for some classic match ups.
Cons: Plays poorly during early games, has some food and sleeping issues and his anti religious stance might make a divisive locker room.
NBA Comparison: Andrei Kirkilenko
The Wolf Man
Summary: A streaky player sometimes bound for greatness, other times he’s too timid and unfocused. When things are going well, he is a beast on the floor, however those times are too inconsistent, sometimes only once a month.
Cons: Night life for the Wolf Man is going to be an issue, when he’s out at night, he’s out ALL night. Also the body hair thing might freak people out.
NBA Comparison: JR Smith
Summary: The Middle East has become the newest hot spot for international players and the Mummy may just join their ranks. Although he appears slow and deliberate on the floor, he is able to chase down balls with great precision.
Cons: We’re unable to see his face, and his body is covered in bandages.
NBA Comparison: Nazir Mohammed
The Creature From The Black Lagoon
Summary: The beast from the swamps is sneaky and quick, but has limited stamina for a long strech. Will sit on the bench and get rehydrated as if his life depends on it. Has big hands though that will prove useful on both sides of the court.
Cons: Gets distracted by women too easily and never wants to leave a body of water.
NBA Comparison: Kawhi Leonard
Summary: This big lumbering beast of a player is not much on the offensive side, but his sheer size and strength will get him double digit boards all season. He is unmoveable in the paint and will be a physical match for any big in the league.
Cons: Is easily distracted and is terrified of fires. May have committed a crime in his past.
NBA Comparison: Roy Hibbert
Photo credit: Maddie Meyer/Getty Images
1) Eat your jersey at center court before tip off.
2) Run your fingernails over the bumps of a basketball continuously for 90 minutes.
3) Bounce a ball up and down the court using on your knees. Attempt shots on one knee.
4) Enter the court with a see through backpack with a basketball inside. Take the basketball out and saw the ball in half. Return the pieces to the backpack and leave the court.
5) Leave notes of encouragement or derision on the backboard of your opponents basket.
6) Perform for your favorite audience by placing mirrors all along the perimeter of the court.
7) Cover your eyes with bandages and take shots.
8) Performer lets the following drop: shots, knees, withering glances to Andrea Bargnani, assist percentage.
9) Broom. Sweep. Turn Off Lamp. Turn On Lamp. Tell Chris Smith he did a good job cleaning your basement.
10) Play an entire game holding a vase of flowers.
11) Play basketball with a fruit.
12) Dress as badly as possible. No, the orange Knicks uniforms don’t count.
13) Two performers. One performer asks for a pass, you wait one year and then pass.