Tag Archives: Illuminati

Early NBA Illuminati Roundup


It’s only 11 games into the season, but that doesn’t mean that the masters of world domination are not already at work affecting the NBA season. Let’s take a look at the winners and losers of the new world order.

Vanquished to a Secret Level of Purgatory

The Los Angeles Lakers, Oklahoma City Thunder, Orlando Magic

The Overlords have kept these teams from having healthy units to play the floor. Giving their transgressions from attempting to control the media (Los Angeles), fracking (OKC), or merely underplaying the sorcery of the Illuminati (Orlando), as soon as one player has recovered, another is taken away.

Held in a Labryinth

Cleveland Cavaliers and Los Angeles Clippers

Two of the biggest front runners of the year are being toyed with by the Overlords are now just a game over .500. They’re inconsistent, stuck in the murk and harpooning expectations of the pre-season. Will the Illuminati deem them worthy and pluck them out of the mire and into the spotlight of the NBA? Possibly one team, but for both to be granted such exclusion, a sacrifice of great importance will have to be made. So, probably Dion Waiters.

Ozymandias Threat

And who will the Overlords deem the destroyer of worlds? Which of the NBA audience will look at his works, ye Mighty and despair? Will it Anthony Davis with his 4 blocks per game? Will it be Nikola Vucevic, averaging a double-double of 18 points and 11 boards? Will it be DeAndre Jordan with 12 rebounds and 2 blocks a game? Early indications have it that The Brow will lead in this category, but should not take his eyes off the competition.

Subverting False Gods

Though his big introduction to the mainstream media was in the shadow of a woman who later bared her ass for the world, Kris Humphries declined the invitation into the false echelon of a celebrity Illuminati to stay the course and has been rewarded as such. After a slow start after a gruesome hand injury, Humphries has put up 6.3 ppg and 4.0 rebounds, which may not sound like a lot, but Humph has become a foundation on the bench unit for the Washington Wizards. As he did in Boston, Humphries hustle and physical play inside the paint has earned him many fans in the Illuminati Headquarters Nations Capitol.


2014-15 NBA Illuminati Preview

The 2013-14 season was a bad one for the Illuminati overlords. The Heat with their triangle did not win the NBA Finals, the Brooklyn Nets, once owned by Illuminati spokesman/millionaire enthusiast Jay Z imploded dramatically and there were very little curses outside of Lil B.

However, the next season looks to be fraught with possibilities for the dark overlords.

The New York Knicks

Phil Jackson has returned with his evil Triangle Offense (wake up sheeple!) and Derek Fisher is a long standing member in the Jackson army, using the dark arts to start a whole new team of young players. Don’t believe me? Just check out how the Knicks went from starting with nothing to having three draft picks!

Toronto Raptors

Kyle Lowry offered slot with the Heat, something something. Hardly anyone who uses the Illuminati as their deciding factor in how the world works has any grasp as to what goes on in Canada anyways, so why not just spark that rumor?

Cleveland Cavaliers

If you WERE to believe in an overwhelming force that pre-determines all events then it WOULD look like the Cavs are given a bump. Three number one picks in 10 years and even when they blow it (Anthony Bennett) they’re given a better player in the same spot next year! The Andrew Wiggins-Kyrie Irving backcourt will be fun to watch, and it now appears they’re making a run at Gordan Hayward to just be a team that shoots four million times a game. But c’mon secret society, your cloaks are showing with this one.

Houston Rockets

What better device for a secret society to leave the planet when the endtimes are nigh? Rockets, duh. There is heavy recruitment to bring Carmelo Anthony to join Dwight Howard and James Harden to Texas, creating another Triangle.

Fingers crossed some of these pre-season games can turn into #StayWoke Classics.