Ghoulie Boullez Week: Universal Monsters Scouting Report

Image by Travis Johnson

Dracula

Summary: This European phenom really comes out at night. His high flying skills have made him very feared in his home of Transylvania. And his physical rivalry against Van Helsing has made for some classic match ups.

Cons: Plays poorly during early games, has some food and sleeping issues and his anti religious stance might make a divisive locker room.

NBA Comparison: Andrei Kirkilenko

The Wolf Man

Summary: A streaky player sometimes bound for greatness, other times he’s too timid and unfocused. When things are going well, he is a beast on the floor, however those times are too inconsistent, sometimes only once a month.

Cons: Night life for the Wolf Man is going to be an issue, when he’s out at night, he’s out ALL night. Also the body hair thing might freak people out.

NBA Comparison: JR Smith

The Mummy

Summary: The Middle East has become the newest hot spot for international players and the Mummy may just join their ranks. Although he appears slow and deliberate on the floor, he is able to chase down balls with great precision.

Cons: We’re unable to see his face, and his body is covered in bandages.

NBA Comparison: Nazir Mohammed

The Creature From The Black Lagoon

Summary: The beast from the swamps is sneaky and quick, but has limited stamina for a long strech. Will sit on the bench and get rehydrated as if his life depends on it. Has big hands though that will prove useful on both sides of the court.

Cons: Gets distracted by women too easily and never wants to leave a body of water.

NBA Comparison: Kawhi Leonard

Frankenstein

Summary: This big lumbering beast of a player is not much on the offensive side, but his sheer size and strength will get him double digit boards all season. He is unmoveable in the paint and will be a physical match for any big in the league.

Cons: Is easily distracted and is terrified of fires. May have committed a crime in his past.

NBA Comparison: Roy Hibbert

 

Ghoulie Boullez Week: KD2TwinPeaks Pt 3

Kevin Durant walks into the empty practice court of the Twin Peaks Lumberjacks. Durant is holding Laura Palmer and soaking in the new look to his life. A door swings open and a janitor is pushing a mop bucket onto the court. The janitor doesn’t look at Durant, he is trying to sheild something from him and it takes a minute for Durant to realize that the janitor only has one arm.

Finally the doors burst open and the team comes onto the court, almost all of them rush Durant and start to talk to him, while the coach comes in behind, quietly.

“Nice to have you with us, Kevin. I’m Coach Harry Truman, this here is my assistant, Hawk. We don’t really understand why you chose this rag tag outfit for your new home, but we sure are glad to have you.”

Durant smiles and nods while the coach talks, but he feels an intense pressure to speak. He looks up and sees the janitor is now staring at him. Coach Truman notices his face and turns to see what’s going on.

“Oh, that’s just Mike. He cleans up around here. Say, what’cha got there?” Coach Truman motions towards Laura Palmer.

Durant pulls the ball back in a protective reflex.

“I found this on my way here, I think it belongs to a girl named Laura,” Durant says.

A strange hush comes over the team and Coach Truman and Hawk look to the ground uncomfortably.

“What? Do you know Laura?” Durant asks.

“I know Laura,” a sullen voice from the ground rises.

“Kevin, I’d like you to meet your starting point guard, James Hurley.”

 

 

Ghoulie Boullez Week: KD2TwinPeaks Pt 2

Kevin Durant is driving down the highway to Twin Peaks. The road is empty except for the shadow of trees. He turns to his portable mp3 recorder and starts:

“Diane, I am headed to Twin Peaks. I am expected to be a starter on the upstart team, but there seems to be something strange in this town. I don’t know why I am drawn to play here, this isn’t the best option for me. I also don’t know anyone named Diane. And who uses these mp3 recorders?”

He gets the urge to turn off the road onto a small clearing. It is fenced in with a plaque reading “Pete Martell Memorial Fishin Spot”. Durant walks closer to the water and sees something out of the corner of his eye. The wind kissed the plastic lying on the beach. Durant decided to investigate. As he got closer a sense of dread crept over him and even though his brain told him to stop, he pushed through.

He grabbed a corner of the tarp and pulled it back slowly. The skin had bumps all over it, the color was faded, the lines dark and old. Parts of it had withered and started to look like an old pumpkin. He reached down and pulled up a basketball. He inspected it in his hand, looking on all sides. In a faded scrawl across one portion read the name “Laura”.

A rustle startled Kevin and brought him back. He saw a kid on a bicycle at the top of the fishing spot clearing.

“Hey!” The kid yelled. “I like the way you palm that ball!”

“Palm, palm,” Durant started to mumble. He looked down at the ball again and saw her name. “Laura..Palm. Laura Palmer.”

Ghoulie Boullez Week: The Haunting of Andrea Bargnani

Andrea Bargnani has been the laughing stock of the NBA for a couple of years now. And while he’s known for a series of terrible moves, I do not believe that it’s his fault.

I believe Andrea Bargnani is being haunted. Much like the movie The Sixth Man, I believe ghosts have taken to moving Bargnani’s body into certain maneuvers in order to make him look foolish. Just look at the evidence-

Poor Bargs. Although we all enjoy a good laugh at the former number one pick, his haunting is not a joke. A haunting is a serious problem Elevator Doors is doing it’s piece by raising awareness of Basketball Hauntings. Please be considerate in your teasing and contact any local exorcists.

Ghoulie Boullez Week: How to Resurrect Steve Nash

The basketball world was saddened by the news that Steve Nash was going to miss the entire 2014-15 season due to a back injury. Nash had already stated that this was going to be his final year, but with the injury it appears we will never see Nash on the court again.

His offensive skills, especially with the 7-seconds-or-less Phoenix Suns, help transform the game. His skills had been in serious decline by the time he joined the Los Angeles Lakers and he was never able to survive an entire season without serious injury.

But what if we could replace his body? Sure his skills would need an adjustment to the new form, but the mentality and court vision are still sharp. So let’s examine the options of a replacement Nash.

Aliens Power Loader

His physical form would still be there, but the exo-skeleton would re-inforce the body so he could keep up with the physical demands of an NBA season. The cons would be his speed would diminish greatly, but then we could see Steve Nash as a post-up player.

Complete Rebuild

This should be done Six Million Dollar Man style and not so much on the Robocop style. With added bodily reinforcements, increased jumping ability AND a crack medical team to fix him whenever he breaks down, Nash can be back in prime form.

The Thing With Two Heads

This would require a joint effort between Nash and another player. For fairness sake, why not add another player who was ALSO plagued with injuries? Looking at you Grant Hill. Add the two nicest players on the same body and let them go to work!