Your Guide to NBA Noise

Miami This Heat


Brought together in London, the trio of Charles Hayward, Gareth Williams and LeBron James, The group didn’t really get going until they moved into an unused cold storage unit where they practiced away from prying eyes and under distinct tutelage of coach Erik Spoelstra. Championed equally by ESPN and famed BBC DJ John Peel, Miami This Heat followed up their first NBA Championship with their album Deceit. With a recent loss to the San Antonio Spurs in the 2014 Finals, it appears the core of the group might be lost in free agency, but with the festival circuit beckoning so many bands to reunite for big bucks, there’s always hope for the future.

Orlando Magick Markers


The Magik Markers slipped through the radar just before the birth of the blog-friendly but short-lived “shitgaze” era, but were pummeling lo-fi skronk out of Connecticut for a while before joined by phenom center Dwight Howard. Utilizing his skills in the post, the Markers went long-range with great success, making an NBA Finals appearance. When Howard’s ego got too big for Orlando (and a weird public/not-public feud with coach Stan Van Gundy) the Markers retreated and rebounded, bouncing back on their own terms.

Minnesota TimberWolf eyes


Some say the Godfathers of the US Noise NBA scene, the TimberWolf Eyes entered the NBA as an expansion team in 1989 and floundered in basements until the signing of Kevin Garnett in 1995 brought national attention to the group. Couple that with the release of “Burned Mind” on indie-but-almost-a-major-label Sub Pop and journalists were convinced that noise and Garnett were the next big thing. But the crossover success was not there and afterwards Garnett left to join the Boston Celtics and win a championship in 2008. At the same time, longtime Wolf Eyes member Aaron Dilloway left the group.
The TimberWolf Eyes reconvened and put out possibly their strongest effort in “No Answer: Lower Floors” last year.

Phoenix Sunn O))))s


Fried and muggy, the Phoenix Sunn 0)))’s probably encapsulate their area better than any team. Stripped down and comprised of giant amps and the dual guitars/guard skills of Stephen O’Malley and Goran Dragic. Although veterans of the metal scene, the back court coming together to do something drastically perverse in terms of pummeling riffs and speedy assists. Although Dragic has been a much coveted by other teams this off-season it appears the Sunn 0)))’s are poised to retain him and further develop their sound.

h/t to @MikeLPursley for help.


2014-15 NBA Illuminati Preview

The 2013-14 season was a bad one for the Illuminati overlords. The Heat with their triangle did not win the NBA Finals, the Brooklyn Nets, once owned by Illuminati spokesman/millionaire enthusiast Jay Z imploded dramatically and there were very little curses outside of Lil B.

However, the next season looks to be fraught with possibilities for the dark overlords.

The New York Knicks

Phil Jackson has returned with his evil Triangle Offense (wake up sheeple!) and Derek Fisher is a long standing member in the Jackson army, using the dark arts to start a whole new team of young players. Don’t believe me? Just check out how the Knicks went from starting with nothing to having three draft picks!

Toronto Raptors

Kyle Lowry offered slot with the Heat, something something. Hardly anyone who uses the Illuminati as their deciding factor in how the world works has any grasp as to what goes on in Canada anyways, so why not just spark that rumor?

Cleveland Cavaliers

If you WERE to believe in an overwhelming force that pre-determines all events then it WOULD look like the Cavs are given a bump. Three number one picks in 10 years and even when they blow it (Anthony Bennett) they’re given a better player in the same spot next year! The Andrew Wiggins-Kyrie Irving backcourt will be fun to watch, and it now appears they’re making a run at Gordan Hayward to just be a team that shoots four million times a game. But c’mon secret society, your cloaks are showing with this one.

Houston Rockets

What better device for a secret society to leave the planet when the endtimes are nigh? Rockets, duh. There is heavy recruitment to bring Carmelo Anthony to join Dwight Howard and James Harden to Texas, creating another Triangle.

Fingers crossed some of these pre-season games can turn into #StayWoke Classics.