Elevator (Doors) Pitch: I should be signed to Under Armour

Dear Under Armour,

Sorry to hear Kevin Durant turned you down to stay with Nike. That’s a rough blow. But if you’re looking for another Maryland native to sign for endorsement, I will nominate myself for such a role.


Also a Maryland native

Exempting the nine-months I lived in Charleston, South Carolina after college, I’ve never left the residency of Maryland. Even for college I went to a school outside of Baltimore. No, not that one, one of the shitty ones.

Familiarity with your company

My friend Magda did data analysis for you guys for a while, and at a passover dinner I met a girl who works in the AOL office that shares a building with you guys. Want to talk about how weird it is that AOL is still around?

I’m cheap

Look I know you were offering KD a lot of money, and I don’t need that much. Honestly I don’t even need half that. Maybe a quarter of that, but looking more at a third.


I am not athletic nor famous

But hey, you’ve got less than 1% of the shoe market locked up. Why not take a chance?

To make meetings at your Locust Point office, I will require a boat ride

I’ve done it before, it only takes a couple of minutes. You guys can join in!

I’m lazy

I’m not gonna do a lot of promotion, I’ll tell you that much. Can I do it from Skype?


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