Your Shot Is A Chem Trail: Jerryd Bayless

Chem Trails, that thing that you sort of know about but inexplicably links your right wing uncle and your pot dealer, litters the skies over the World with streaky, poetic trails. With much thanks to nyloncalculus.com, we can examine the shot charts in terms of the chem trails that are doing…well..something I guess.

The Shooter: Jerryd Bayless

The Year: 2011-12

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In 2011-12, Jerryd Bayless was in his second year, first full season with the Toronto Raptors, but it was such a season, that Bayless never returned to T-dot.

His FG% of .424 was actually a career-high for him, which is astounding when you look at all of the blue squares from midrange and closer to the basket. Especially that cluster right at the basket. Jerryd always needed some distance, but he never really develop a singular move or the ability to create his shot in a way that propelled him to another level.

On the right elbow of the paint was his best position, but a smidge further away and he was back to below average. For that percentage, he gave the least amount of attempts in 276 since his rookie season and the least amount three-point attempts since his second season.

His three-point shooting was also a career high that season at .423, but that also included only hitting 44 of his 104 attempts.

The percentage is a lie. Bayless ended up with only 353 points. Still his career-low amount for spending an entire season on a single club. 353 points for a guy who just shoots. On a Raptors team that doesn’t have Kyle Lowry yet. On a Raptors team that had DeMar DeRozan in only his second season. On a Raptors team that had Leandro Barbosa, a yet-to-be-revived Jose Calderon, and Ben Uzoh sharing backcourt duties with Bayless. On a Raptors team whose highest-paid player was Andrea Bargnani.

And a guy who is a shooter, can only get in 31 games and only log 22.7 minutes a game. We’re onto you, Bayless.

A basket blogger at the gates of heaven

What do you mean I don’t get in? Didn’t you see all the work I did?

All the Breaking News? All the Hot Takes? All the possibilities I talked about?

What about all my clickbait? I had so many hits! Does that mean nothing in heaven?!

When there was a trade, I said it wouldn’t work and listed 50 Reasons Why

And when there wasn’t a trade, I gave 100 Reasons Why there would be one!

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I gave you previews and reviews and pre-season and post-season and mid-season

I gave you grades for every thing, large or small.

Where there was a word count I beat it, Where there was a writing opportunity to take, I took it

I joined network after network, from Bleacher Report to Fansided to SBNation and back again

I used message board after message board, I followed all the right people on Twitter

My SEO was flawless, my keywords were vast and varied, every possible term was searchable

All of my tags were topical

I blogged through hail, sleet, snow, weddings, births, deaths

I’ve seen entire memes risen and fallen in a single week

I’ve followed and unfollowed every player in the NBA twice

I’ve been bombaraded by WojBombs and lived to see another day.

What

Do You

Mean

There’s No Room For Me?

What Your Favorite Drone Metal Band Says About Your Favorite Sport

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Photo credit: Jwrobinson 

Thorr’s Hammer: WNBA

You’re a fan of sports, but open minded enough to accept women at the forefrunt of that sport. Thorr’s Hammer opened up your mind by punshing your skull when they released Dommedagsnatt, but now you can relax watching the floor fundamentals of the WNBA.
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Photo credit: bioo.org

Candlemass: NHL

The Swedish-based Candlemass is a perfect analogy for the National Hockey League. A devoted fan-base, an internationally recognized sport/band that STILL manages to fly under the radar and Swedes. Lots and lots of Swedes.
sunn Sunn 0))): Futbol

Because you like metal, but the cool kind of metal, not the lame kind. You probably haven’t even heard of the kind of metal you like.
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Photo credit: commons.wikimedia

Boris: MLB

Like many players from across the Pacific, Boris has always promised to be “the next big thing”, but that hardly ever happens. Although they occasionally make the crossover, the heyday is probably over.
earth-band       Earth: NBA

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Like the casual NBA fan, the casual Earth fan looks at Earth 2 and the friendship of some guy named Kurt in Seattle, and that fan will deduce that the heyday of Earth was the 90’s. And to be fair, those were the salad days to be young and enamored with a new thing. However the thing has refined, there are new ways to look at it and the game has expanded into new territory that you can enjoy, once you wipe the nostalgia from your eyes.

 

Metta World Peace Fights in a Game: But Why?

Metta World Peace got heated going in for a rebound and struck two members of the opposite team. MWP is famous for the Malice at the Palace, but has kept a low profile since then. We exmaine the possibilities that this eruption exploded.

His candidacy for NBA Player Union President had been declined.

His name change petition to change his name to “Ommmmmmmm” had been denied.

He thought he was going to be offered the Lakers head coaching position.

His rap album has been cancelled.

His sketch was cut from Key & Peele.

The irony of MWP has worn off.

Jodorowsky’s Team: Golden State Warriors

Photo Credit: http://ignacioreyo.wordpress.com

Noted Surrealist Film Director Alejandro Jodorowsky has provided notes to Bob Myers on how to get the most out of his players this off-season.

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Photo credit: wagesofwins.com

Steph Curry “There is no line like the lines in your hand. Cut off your hand to reach heaven.”

Klay Thompson “There is no maze in heaven, so follow the maze here on earth.”

David Lee“You are a concept in a rabbits eye.”

Andrew Bogut“There’s a factory that will build you exactly what you want, but only what you wanted a year ago.”

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Photo credit: espn

Andre Iguodala“Captain Kirk! Ccccaaaapppttttaaaiiinnn Kiiiiirrrrkkkk!”

Harrison Barnes“You woke up water. You will never sleep again.”

Shaun Livingston“Open house. You are the center of a never used fireplace.”

Jermaine O’Neal“Sing in the theater in a backwards voice.”

 

The Red Shirt Theory: Southeast Division

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Fans of the original series of Star Trek are very familiar with the Red Shirts. Dispensible crew members who often attended missions with the core group of characters and were usually sacrificed when whatever they were investigating attacked the group.

They almost never spoke, almost never provided any kind of meaningful characterization, but were often a part of moving the plot forward. The Red Shirt became synonymous with Expendable. They were a cog in a machine, they went to work on a Starfleet ship, contributed a little, but generally were left behind without much thought. You almost never saw another crew member grieve for a killed Red Shirt, or any mention of them after they were attacked.

Red shirt in sports applied to a college player who is a member of the team, but for whatever reason, ineligable to play. We’re dispensing with that notion of red shirt and applying the Star Trek Red Shirt to a player on every team.

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Miami Heat

Mario Chalmers. It’s a little unfair that Rio gets Red Shirt status, but at the same time, with the firepower that was on the Miami Heat last season, all he had to do was dribble the ball and hand it off to any number of scorers on that team. And when things went bad, he was the first one to get yelled at because he was so expendable. Even the President of the United States thought so.

 Orlando Magic

Andrew Nicholson. Nicholson played 76 games for the limping Magic this season and at age 24 and in his second year in the league, his stats were supposed to start ascending. But he averaged 5.7 points and 3.4 rebounds a game, his points dropped from last year, but his rebounds stayed the same. His PER average was 9.9, dropping from 15.1 last year. At 6-foot-9 and 250 pounds, Nicholson seems to be the paramount “Put a big body in there” kind of player. Did I mention he developed a three-point shot? On 89 attempts, he made 28 of them. The Magic took a big step to clean house in the offseason and currently Nicholson is still on the roster, because of course Captain James Tiberius Elfrid needs an extra body to take a blow.

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Photo credit: rantsports

Atlanta Hawks

Shelvin Mack. Playing 73 games and averaging 7.5 points a game, Mack put the avg in average. His PER of 13.3 isn’t all that bad actually. It’s a little unfair that Mack gets the Red Shirt, he’s a back up dual guard to a pretty potent tandem in Jeff Teague and Kyle Korver and being paired with other lesser guards like Dennis Schroder, Jared Cunningham and John Jenkins. But with the lack of depth on the Hawks and his middling stats just sort of there, it is hard to see that another player could not just get Mack’s minutes and put up the small numbers on a pretty anemic bench unit.

Charlotte Hornets

Bismack Biyombo. Also suffering from the “Let’s just throw a big body in there” syndrome, the Bis Mackie played 77 games and averaged a career low of 2.9 points and 4.8 rebounds per game. Given his size at 6-foot-9, a player like that could get those kind of stats in his sleep. He only played 1072 minutes, but did start 9 games and his FG% was his career high, but still wound up with less than 3 points a game.

The Hornet name and teal colors may have returned to Charlotte, but Bismack needs to strap on a red shirt.

USA TODAY Sports

Photo Credit: tractioncse.com 

Washington Wizards

Garrett Temple. Garrett logged in 75 games for the Wizards last season and only amassed 638 minutes in those games, none as a starter. On a team with a thin backcourt behind stars John Wall and Bradley Beal, Temple fell in the dept chart behind 38 year old Andre Miller. Temple’s FG% was .362 and his three-point percentage was .207. All of his stats from last season, when he played only 51 games, but did start 36 of them, except for free-throw attempts. One of the last free-agent signings the Wizards did this offseason was bring back Temple for another 2 years, so we will get a lot of him beaming down on the floor of the SS Wiz-terprise.

 

 

 

Jodorowsky’s Team: Boston Celtics

Photo Credit: http://ignacioreyo.wordpress.com

Noted Surrealist Film Director Alejandro Jodorowsky has provided notes to Danny Ainge on how to get the most out of his players this off-season.

Kelly Olynyk“Find a turtle, watch him give birth to the universe.”

Gerald Wallace“Become cardboard.”

Brandon Bass“Make a starfish your wife, wear her like a crown on your groin.”

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Photo Credit: palmablanca.mx

Avery Bradley “Find the monster, are you the monster? Find the mirror, are you the mirror? Monster-Mirror. Repeat.”

Tyler Zeller “Enjoy the fireworks of your mind, but do not set the fuse. You are the match.”

Rajon Rondo “Liberate your mystic self that you drowned as a child. Give him a balloon, watch him fly, then shoot the balloon.”

Marcus Smart“You were a cowboy. You are now an elbow.”

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Photo credit: spin.ph